Treasure Panty
by CandyassGoth
Summary: Hoping for a night of relaxation after gaining a pocket full of loot, John Silver enters a bar and gets the shock, and challenge, of his life, finding a certain young someone there in a very awkward situation. Not exactly yaoi, but has hints. Stripper!Jim, just to warn you guys. But it's a CRACK FIC. For laughs. Rebellious Jim, fatherly Silver. Craziness too XD


Okay… so, a fellow authoress and myself were having a small chat and Disney jumped in the convo and then Treasure Planet. And then we were feeling bad for Jimmy and his dad problems. So I said something about trying not to think of Jim and Silver in a yaoi way. Then she said this: "Silver is more of a father figure, since Jim has all those daddy issues. It's a surprise Jim didn't end up as a stripper."

THAT JUST OPENED UP A WHOLE WORLD FOR ME LOL.

So, half credit goes to _Courageous_ for some of the lines put into this fic! THANK YOU FOR THAT HILARIOUS CONVERSATION, I'M STILL CRYING IN LAUGHTER.

SO! This is a CRACK fic, CRACK PEOPLE. That means it's for shits and giggles, not to be taken serious. Siriusly. This is a humorous oneshot, about stripper!Jim and Silver lol

I APOLOGIZE FOR ERRORS

**I do not own treasure Planet.**

Trudging through the dingy town, Silver scanned the streets for two things: a bar, and an Inn. He had just departed from his ship, leaving it to the care of his first mate and a few of the crew with a few orders and threats lest his ship takes legs and walk while he was gone.

The port they stopped in was in no means fancy or upstanding, it was a dump, full of scallywags. The most he had to fear was his own crew should they turn mutinous, the authorities were the least of his worries seeing as there weren't any around.

He turned a corner, grunting out a growl at the drunkard that bumped into him, and continued on his way.

His pockets jingled with new loot, he had plenty to spend. First, he'd go down a few gallons of gin and whiskey in the nearest pub- preferably bar, (he doubted there was a decent pub in this backwater place anyway) and then, if he had the energy, perhaps he'd go to a brothel, see what selection of floozies were hanging around this space port and rent a room for the night.

His steps stopped when he caught sight of a sign that read "Panty Pirate." He smirked and shook his head, but sidestepped into the establishment.

Immediately he heard the low but rhythmic music filled his ears. He smelt the tinge of alcohol and mouldy-wood, and took notice of the many men slouching around, either smoking or drinking.

Perfect, his homeland.

He didn't bother to scrutinise the place too much, he was just as dangerous as any of these buggers and he had made his gold for a while, he was here to enjoy himself.

Smiling a crooked smile, he clunked through the many tables, ignoring the stares he received. He lowered his smile a tad- he didn't want to look like a soft sap.

He turned a corner into the deeper part of the bar from where the music was coming from. Many forms were visible in his peripheral vision, but he was only interested in finding an empty table all to himself. And he was about to- had it not been for the person his mechanical eye locked on. And bust a wire or two.

Up on a platform, swinging awkwardly on a shiny pole was a young lad he thought he wouldn't see for a long time. OR in a bar. OR on a pole. Half naked. Dancing… seductively.

In the shock of it he stumbled back, his heavy feet thudding on the wood like a bang at the door. His eyes were sure to pop out, his legs to give in, and if he wasn't being nudged in the back by the table of men he'd almost fallen into he would have collapsed.

He stumbled forward reluctantly, too transfixed by the flowing body in stage to care about the cussing thrown his way. Idly he realised he looked like a goldfish as he gaped widely, but he felt entitled to it! WHAT THE BLUE BLAZES WAS THAT?!

Shaking his hips from side to side as he hung on the pole was Jim- ...JIM. Silver comically stretched his neck and tried to view the dancer from a different perspective, but from each angle, the boy looked the same. It was Jim. Shaking his booty… for booty.

Silver choked down the lump in his throat and shook his head. He'd approach the boy and decided to first find out if it _WAS_ Jim. Then when that was done and it turned out to be Jim, he'd yank his little ass of the stage and take him home to his mother- where he was supposed to be! He was under the impression that Jim had gone home and opened another Inn to add to their family business! Yet he was in a dingy bar shaking it for dimes? Had the world gone mad? Silver's head swirled dangerously.

Set on his most awkward task EVER, worse than when he first showed Jim some fatherly affection and hugs, he stomped his way over to the stage, once more ignoring the stares from the other men and focused on keeping his hands from shaking. And his voice from wavering. And his mind from reeling.

When his bulging stomach hit the side of the stage, he stopped and stared up. How was he to get his attention? The kid was too busy flashing his ass to the half-drunk men who probably thought he was a girl. He raised a hand, then lowered, it raised it again, then slapped it to his forehead, completely lost for words. He had never thought he'd end up in a situation like _this_-! Sure, he had offered once or twice to take Jim to a bar and show him how men of their (mostly his) standard relaxed, he had prepared a half-hearted speech for when he had to pull the lad away from the drink and women. What was he supposed to say now though? Maybe he should just-

"_SILVER_?"

Dunking him back into reality like a cold bath was a high-pitched shrill voice. He blinked and realized the shaking booty had disappeared and replaced with a face twisted in surprise and embarrassment. The young man on the stage had his knees shut together, leaning back against the pole, his hands thrown behind him clutching it.

As much as it was wrong, there was no escaping the smooth trim figure poised on the stage. The kid had his hair open, draped on their side of his face. He was almost naked save for brown cowboy boots that ended just below his knees, and a black panty. No, correction, a thong. That appeared to have bills stuck in it.

Had Silver any less humanity he would have thrown a coin or two and barked for a lap dance, the young male on the stage was smoking hot, but- THIS WAS JIM!

And Jim looked very shocked that he was SILVER!

Finally having made contact with Jim, Silver realized he _still_ didn't know what the hell to say!

The music slowed, the musicians staring at the pair, as well as the rest of the bar. Silence began to blare louder than the music, along side Jim's heavy breathing, and soon the youngest man in the bar couldn't take it anymore.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing here?!" Jim shrieked, slipping behind the pole as if he could hide.

Thankfully, due to his dark skin tone no one noticed Silver's blush. Taking advantage of that, and resisting looking at anyone, he tried his hardest to keep a straight face as he brought his hands up.

"…Jimbo….what are ye doing?"

It was so difficult to keep his eyes off that heaving chest, smooth, sculpted, young, untouched- no wait, _was_ it untouched? In a filthy bar, filled with perverted drunk sailors that would grope anything with as little hair as Jim did…it was highly unlikely. The thought made Silver's blood boil.

Jim glanced nervously around the bar, gripping the pole as he moved from foot to foot. The music was still slow, obviously waiting for him to start moving again.

"'Ey! Get tha' boot'e movin' laddie!" someone barked, slamming down their mug repeatedly.

"Oi! Shut yer yap!" Silver bellowed back as he threw a death glare over his shoulder at the man. With a snarl, he whipped back towards the stage and flailed his arms lightly, "Jim! What are ye doin'?!"

Jim mashed his lips together in response to the dumbfounded expression on Silver's face. He was sure his own face was blood red, but he had chosen to take this chance. If only it hadn't back fired. Yes, he was supposed to be on _Montressor_ helping his mom run the business, yes he was supposed to be finished with all the trouble, and yes he was supposed to be done with pirates and sailing.

Screw that, he was still a teenager and he was going to act like one!

"Just-just go away, Silver!" he called, clearing his throat afterwards to remove the squeak. He pulled his face into the most adorable expression, pouting heavily as he attempted to be serious, and flicked his head back to get his brown tresses out his face.

Silver gaped, and then gawked when Jim began to circle the pole in a walk he'd seen enough times from the loose women. He clenched his eyes shut and squeezed the bridge of his nose hard with his mechanical hand, raising the other, "…Jimbo, this is just -"

"I SAID GO AWAY!" Jim yelled, supported by a chorus of agreements from the other men in the bar that were eager for a show. Silver stared up like a fish as Jim severed their eye contact and jumped up the pole, beginning to perform tricks that would cripple Silver if he even pretended to try. The effort was rewarded by a much more enthusiastic crowd who Silver suspected where making the lewd ruckus to piss him off.

Jim was his own man, he wasn't a child, and Silver respected that. _But_ he wasn't a man _either_, he was acting like a child throwing a tantrum. And besides that, it was rather disturbing for Silver to see the other this way, near naked and swaying his lithe hips- oh yes, disturbing. He refused to think 'arousing', yet he was very much tempted, because then he'd _never_ be able to look at the boy again.

"Jim, stop being a stripper, it's not who ye are!" Silver resorted to pleading, slapping his palms together.

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO," Jim cried, as he shook his booty.

Silver growled around the cheering bar, sending them death glares. He softened it slightly as he looked back up, "Jimbo, please, think about what yer doing!"

"MY DAD DIDN'T CARE WHAT I DID, WHY DO YOU?"

Silver's left eye twitched, "…Maybe because I just spent months gettin' attached to ye as a son and now yer half naked and sliding on a pole! IT'S NOT RIGHT JIMBO!"

"YOU'LL JUST LEAVE LIKE MY DAD."

Silver rolled his eyes heavenward and muttered a silent prayer. He inhaled deeply to calm himself, and ignore the shaking flesh and taunt jeers from the surrounding men. At least he still had Jim's attention, he could try talk him out of this before anymore clothes came off, Davy Jones forbid. "Ye know this isn't true, Jimbo! Now… take those dollar bills out a' yer thong and put on some clothes!" he ordered, rising a finger and his voice with as much fatherly authority as he could muster in such a situation, surely Jim would take note and come to his senses…

"YOU JUST WANT MY MONEY, YOU PIRATE. I STRIPPED FOR IT FAIR AND SQUARE, SILVER."

Silver swirled around in disbelief. He grabbed the stage and looked up desperately. "Look-! Come back to the ship with me, ye can have a decent job there with the seamen-"

"WITH YOUR SEMEN?! I THINK I PREFER MY DAD TO YOU NOW."

Silver flushed again, without being noticed, and shook his hands frantically, catching Jim's eye and sending him another pleading gaze. He could feel Jim was taunting him, he was being purposely hard-headed. "Jim, that's not at all what I'm talking about!"

But Jim didn't seem to be listening as he swung his hips, rotating it in ways that made the men hypnotized and slaves to follow. "MY NAME ISN'T JIM ANYMORE, SILVER. FROM NOW ON I'M KNOWN AS JENNY. JENNY THE EXOTIC WONDER FROM THE SEA."

If the situation wasn't real Silver would have erupted into laughter. He made sure his face showed no amusement, trying once more to put forth a fatherly tone, as apparently Jim's neglected childhood was playing up. "…That's a ridiculous stripper name."

"YOU ARE RIDICULOUS."

Silver grunted and groaned at the stubbornness, but it was drowned out by a loud chorus of wolf-whistles as Jim hung upside down, waving his legs. Finally, the shock subsided, and thankfully the lust that threatened to grip him ebbed away. Silver was more worried about getting this boy out of here before he ended up on a ship that wasn't his own, heaven only knows the booby-traps he'd end up in, if he hadn't already had that happen. "Boy-o I'm tryin' to help you! Your dad wouldn't want to see ye like this!"

"HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME AT ALL. LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M DANCING WITH MR MOP NOW," Jim yelled over his shoulder, "JUST LIKE YOU TAUGHT ME."

"That's insane! I never taught ye that!" Silver boomed in embarrassment, flipping his middle finger at the men that gave him a 'thumbs up'. "That's it, Jim! Get off that stage this instance!"

"NO!"

"JIM!"

"'Ey! Get out the way!"

"Move!"

"Yeh blockin' the view!"

Silver resisted the urge to smash every table and its occupants for the sake of the loot in his pockets and hunched up to ignore them.

"Son! I will only warn ye one more time..." he threatened.

"OR ELSE?"

"Or else I will bring yer mum here!"

Instantly it became silent. The music stopped, the men shut their gobs; the only sound was breathing. Silver held onto his death glare, sending it straight to Jim who looked horrified, standing in mid pose with a leg wrapped around the pole.

Apparently the threat was overall threatening, the men seemed just as shocked; and if he may, _worried_.

"...Jim so help me I will bring yer mum here and show her what ye doin'! Yer pap may not care but ye got a great mum who would be heartbroken to see ye like this! Yer don't want that, do you?"

He wanted to add 'I am heartbroken too' but that was not something a man said when he called himself a hardcore pirate.

Jim actually seemed to be listening now, the pucker gone from his face as he dropped his leg, placing it modestly.

"I can't pretend I never saw this, in fact it's burnt into my mechanical eye for eternity, so come on, I need to get yer home. And out that panty."

Jim's face was comical as he misinterpreted the last line, along with many jealous men, but it dropped back into a 'I'm-not-happy-with-you' face. "...It's a thong."

"Not helping,"

"UGH! You're so unfair! I'm a man now, Silver, I can do what I want!" Jim cried, knocking the pole to vent his frustrations. He shoved away from it, to the crowd's verbal displeasure, and slunk nimbly off the stage, trudging up to Silver with the cutest pout and upset puppy-dog eyes he had ever been subjected to.

This was the first time Silver had _ever_ told a stripper to get off the stage and better himself or herself, the idea itself was absurd, he was a pirate! Not a-a-a-

...No, he was more than a pirate, he was and would always be an authority figure for Jim. And it looked like a damn lad sure needed one!

"Well, let's go!" Jim muttered sourly, marching away.

Silver would have scolded him for his rudeness, but rushed after him to swat the forward hands reached out to grab the piece of ass.

Before they got to the door Silver rushed before Jim. "Whoa, ye can't go out there looking like this! Where are yer clothes?"

"I dunno, I've been wearing this for a while."

"Good lord, lad..." Silver shrugged out of his jacket and held it out, "Put this on, it'll cover ye."

"'Kay...just...gimme a second..."

"What the hell are ye doing?"

"Getting the money," Jim shot back cockily as he pulled out the bills from his thong and boot, crunching them up in his hand and shrugging in exaggeration, "I'm done."

Silver grumbled to himself but slid the jacket onto the boy, nodding curtly when it met his boots. "There, now we can leave."

"I don't know what you're worrying for, it's not like there are any decent people in this town," Jim muttered as Silver led him out the bar, ignoring the stares of longing the men in the bar gave him.

"You'll cause a traffic accident looking like that." Silver retorted. He led him down the street swiftly, making sure to keep an eye on his pockets in case of thieves.

"... Those guys weren't complaining."

"Those are brutish pirates and criminals, not _'guys'_. Ye still don't know how to pick a fight! Those men would eat you live! Ye should be thanking me for finding ye!"

"Excuse me? I've been here a week with no problems!"

"Were ye **looking** for a problem?"

"No, just some fun."

"...Please tell me ye don't mean that in a...floozy way."

"...I have no idea what that means, Silver."

Stopping at a corner, Silver nudged Jim against the wall, leaning close. "Jim, I gotta ask, just...as a father. Did...anyone...er..."

"..."

"Did anyone..."

"...did they what?"

"...Did anyone touch you?"

Jim stared bug-eyed at him, clutching the jacket closed. "...Why would you ask that, 'as a father'?"

"So I can punch the living daylights out of anyone that did."

Jim's expression softened. He hung his face, and shook his head, his hair waving. "No..."

"Jimbo, I won't be mad at ye, and I won't tell yer mum if you don't want me to. But I'm supposed to be lookin' out for ye, and if I failed I'd like to punch someone for it."

Playfully, Jim rolled his eyes, and looked up, shaking his head, "No, no one did."

"...Ye sure? Because that's hard to believe."

"I can handle myself, I told you."

"...Jim I hate to say this but yer a small lad compared to the average pirate, yer not much of a match if they tried to take advantage-"

"Oh my gosh, I'm not talking about this! It's weird! Let's just go,"

With a sigh, Silver dropped the subject, and followed as Jim began to hurry off, his cheeks flaming pink. He looked alright, his ego was still intake, it was unlikely anything had happened to him. And that was a miracle itself considering the port they were in.

Still, Silver had to get the kid home and make sure he _actually_ went this time, he'd have to take him straight to the door. Jeez, he was practically his father anyway, he deserved a trophy for going through all this trouble while resisting awkward thoughts and lewd temptation.

While heading to the ship, Silver clouted Jim over the head with a scold for his actions and threatened him half-heartedly. Of course Jim had took the challenge and threatened to go straight back to the bar, but luckily for Silver there was a group of ladies passing by at the time, causing Jim to panic when Silver tried to remove the jacket.

Eventually they boarded the ship, and Silver hushed Jim straight to his own private room and searched for an outfit for him, sighing heavily in relief when he was fully clothed again.

"I don't ever what to catch yer like that again," Silver warned as they retired for the night. Jim shifted further from Silver in the bed to show that he was upset and tucked the covers up to his chin.

"Fine."

"Ye promise?"

"...Fine."

"That's not an answer,"

"OKAY!"

"Good boy."

"I'm not a dog."

"Oh yeah, I forgot...yer a stripper."

"I'll steal your treasure while you're sleeping if you tease me again, I saw where you hid it."

"And I'll just have to find ye again-"

"Well I'd-"

"-with your mum this time."

"..."

"Good night, Jim."

"...G'night Silver."

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**

Ahhhh yes…. XD Pointless oneshot. But it was fun. I'm tempted to draw Jim stripping on a pole but I should be updating my other fics, not drawing stupid doodles… And my brain was like family…family…YAOI! Family…family…fam-YAOI! -_- Not cool brain, I think at least one character deserves to remain normal and not slashy-fied lol. Anyway, Jim being a rebellious teen, Silver trying to be a dad, such a cute family.

I hope you all enjoyed it, reviews? Anyone? Thoughts? Any negative comments will be met with a WTF? Expression, because this is a crack fic, for fun. And it's fanfiction, not NOVEL OF THE YEAR. But I'm one of the zaniest people around, I talk back! So don't be scared…or lazy XD *hands out cookies*


End file.
